Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The Project

The Project, as it is known, is in the final stage of completion and I feel very proud to be the one chosen by the executive committee to bring it to your attention. Many long days over many months, countless man-hours with excruciating attention to detail have finally produced a plan to totally revitalize the ailing Fox River Valley. The United For Future Development Association is thrilled to publicly announce their latest plan.

It took more closed-door meetings in smoke-filled back rooms, (and I mean smoke-filled), than you can shake a stick at, plus an incredible number of confidentiality agreements...some of which may never be known. The art of compromise was put to the ultimate test, tempers flared on occasion, the end is here, and the champayne flows.


Before I get into the boring details I want to give you the best news you've had in years. Property taxes will end for the foreseeable future, right along with user fees for trash and recycle stickers. The long arm of government will keep its sticky fingers out of your wallet for a change, along with the fantastic news that the gulls will never be seen or heard from in this area again. You read that right: no more gulls.


A fellow says to me: "Gary. You'd have to get rid of the lake to get rid of the gulls." Well. There you have it.

The Tip-Off

A dock worker from Two Rivers who talked to me on the condition of absolute anonominity, (whiskey helped), told the story: "Ya see...Dey back up the tanker here, we offload da oil, den I spray down da tanks, fill 'em wit water and da ship goes back for more oil."

The Plan

Even though formal approval is not yet complete work has quietly begun over in Calumet County clearing timber and bringing in large earthmoving equipment to begin digging the canal which will run from Lake Winnebago to Lake Michigan.

With the first stage completed the water will flow out and the oil will commence flowing in. This is just the start of what will hereby be referred to as the Winnebago Valley Authority. There will be a real estate boom never seen since Doty, the real estate schemer, stole the state capitol from under Belmont, Wisconsin's eyes and moved it to the Four Lakes Area...better known as Madison. The name for Wisconsin's newest county, the 73rd, will be Sturgeon County. It will contain the usual mix of large spacious homes on large lots, gated subdivisions with security guards, strip malls, lots of pavement, a few parks, and a tiny section of the former lake will be kept as a marsh.

The centerpiece of the new county will be the largest Native American Casino ever built! It will be the hub for quite a number of mega-resorts which will sprawl out from the former center of the lake. Over the casino and resorts will be a trademark sturgeon, the tail of which will rise over 1,800 feet into the sky. It will be visible immediately upon take-off from Chicago's Ohara Airport and be easily visible from outer space. This giant sturgeon will also be more than just a piece of art, it will be the runway for a state of the art airport. The planes will gently drop from 2,000 feet onto the sturgeon's tail and make their descent with the wheels already on the ground, so to speak. This new large airport will take the load off the others during the Oshkosh Air Show, not to mention bring a lot more flying enthusiasts. Space alongside the runways will be set aside (in season) for downhill skiing and roller blade extraganzas.

This story will continue for the next several days at least. It will include information on restaurants, the world's largest aquarium, and DNR concerns.

Stay tuned.

1 comment:

AngelAiken AKA Thee U.M.O.G said...

gary, I think that you are nuts.

a true visionary?

most people called nuts have been "great"...what do you think?